Cloud,
Apologies for walking out on you when you asked me about going back to see Lucrecia. It stirred a lot of emotions that I could not easily sort into words, and I should have at least offered some explaination. I’ve never been very good at speaking off the cuff. It takes me time to gather my words.
Your question was a fair one, though, and I should answer it. When you first found the cave, I almost didn’t recognize it. The plants had grown over it, probably due to the heavy makou presence there, and I guess memories lose their edge after a few decades.
She called my name, and her voice was just like I remembered it, pure and clear. I wondered if she found it peaceful in there or boring, in a quiet cave where she could hide from the world. It had been thirty years since I saw her, but it seemed so much shorter… probably because I’d slept through most of it. Does that time even count?
When we spoke, it was almost as if nothing had changed. Of course, she was still frozen, and I was running around with a bunch of terrorists hoping to kill her husband, but I did say “almost”.
“You told her he was dead?”
“I didn’t have to heart not to.”
“So now what? We find Hojo, you go back to Pretty Shiny Princessland?”
“I will help you kill Sephiroth.”
“Why? I mean, I’m grateful, don’t think I’m not, but… why?”
“Because I don’t like lying.”
“So you want to kill Sephiroth…?”
“So that what I said to Lucrecia won’t be a lie.”
“You’ll kill your lover’s son so that you aren’t a liar, even though technically you already did the lying.”
“Yes.”
What else could I say? I knew you were right, Turk morality or no, so when you told us to go find what we believed in, I found myself back at the waterfall, intending to tell her the truth.
“You came back,” she said in the same clear echo. Without other people filling the cave, it sounded more hollow. A smile spread slowly across her frozen face, though her eyelids never flickered.
“There’s something I have to tell you. About Sephiroth,” I began.
“He’s not dead,” she said simply. I asked her how she knew.
“He’s my son, I can feel him. I told you that. But Vincent, I never did get to ask you… how have you done? How are…”
“The monsters? All three are fine. Gods, I still don’t know why you did that to me.”
“To save your life!” Her voice echoed angrilly, and I heard the soft chiming sound of crystals shaking. “To fulfill your father’s dream!”
“And is it a success? Was it worth it?” I demanded. Did everyone who loved me have to love science more? Fifty-odd years and I was still jealous of a bunch of textbooks.
“It’s not finished. I didn’t have time,” she said, her voice quiet again.
“Isn’t that a shame,” I said, turning to go.
“Wait!” I stopped, but didn’t turn back. “You’re so close. Your father’s dream–”
“Lu, please!”
She hesitated. I could almost hear humming in the air. “You’re going to fight Sephiroth. To kill him.”
I nodded.
“You need to be stronger than you are, don’t you? The final form is the strongest.”
It sounded good. It really did, and I did want to stop Cloud and the others from getting hurt for this, so I agreed.
I did as she instructed, kneeling down near the stream of makou near her and putting my hands in. The liquid around them glistened and then turned red, running over my hands. It was warm and slightly sticky and made my arms tingle.
“Its name is Chaos,” Lu said as the almost-familiar pounding in my brain began. This one, Chaos, was certainly stronger — stronger than the others — and I had a moment’s panic that he was also stronger than me. There was a flutter in my stomach like laughter. I retched and threw up into the crystalline makou.
Eventually, I told myself, I would get used to this. I think that scared me more than the monsters themselves. I wasn’t sure I wanted to get used to it.
“I’m… becoming less human,” I choked out.
“Better than human. Better than Hojo’s tricks. You’ll be safe now,” she promised.
“This is just your toy against his again, isn’t it?” I growled, feeling sick. Even as I said it, I knew it wasn’t fair of me. She did love me, as strange as it might sound. She saved me and she built her life’s work on me, because she loves me. I understood that. That was how everyone in my life loved me — they wanted to make me better. I’ve got no idea what they saw in me, what raw material I was composed of that they longed to remake into alchemist’s gold.
I’m tired of being raw material.
I hoped that maybe, when this was done, Lucrecia would accept me as finished. I haven’t gone back yet. I don’t consider it hiding. I just don’t think I want to hear her answer.
V.
